Hey, guys. I want to first thank anyone who has followed cheaterstales. I am “moving” my site to reafrey.com, in which I will be able to combine ALL my passions (food, exercise and relationships). I am still going to be posting about relationships, but it will encompass more than just affairs!
Thanks, and I hope to see you all commenting there!
As the research and writing for my book come to an end, I ruminate over each story: some incredibly personal, some rewritten, some haunting, some humorous, all of them real. I marvel at the predicaments we get ourselves into, and how an affair can haunt you, much like a death, for years, and perhaps, even decades after it happens. That phantom person lingers in your pysche like some dormant cancer that is just waiting to strike. Can you ever shake the remnants of an affair’s effects? You can definitely keep it from infiltrating future relationships, but do yourself a favor: Give yourself time and space to heal. Make sure you have a handle on how you feel about the affair (whether you were the cheater or the betrayed) and how you proceed from here for all future relationships.
What if you are in a long-term relationship, but it is starting to wane? Or you find yourself attracted to someone else? If you can just remind yourself of this: that attraction to the new person will wane. Whether you act on it or not, that person will lose their luster eventually. Instead, fixing what’s missing or starting to dull in your current relationship is a lot better (and healthier) than looking for it elsewhere.
We are designed to be curious, to want things we don’t have, and when everything seems to be going well, we often stir up drama – perhaps to remind ourselves that we are capable of being devilish or dangerous or interesting. But you can be interesting and dangerous with your partner – it just depends on how you define those terms. Find ways to have fun. Find ways to wipe the slate clean. The worst part about an affair is not while you’re in it and trampling over people and feelings – no, you are much too caught up physically and emotionally for that. It’s when it ends, when the truth is unveiled, when your affair partner doesn’t choose you, or you don’t choose them, when you return to your old life and realize that it is, has, and perhaps always was broken, and that you and only you can be left to fix it. It’s the effects you must deal with, the scars you must heal, and the emotions you must work through.
Cleaning out my computer, I found this letter – my last letter – to my affair partner that I never sent. Ours was a lopsided affair – one in which I struggled to let the communication die completely. Because once it died, that meant it was over, and there were no more connections to him. Except the letters. And the journal entries. So, what to do with them? I can delete them, but the truth will still be in my head. I am through trying to pretend it didn’t happen (as things are so much better now, and I have finally found a healthy, happy relationship). Instead, I am and continue to deal with the effects, and know that they will always be there, like a small tattoo, as the book goes to print and people read my story along with so many others and perhaps glean advice or judge or laugh or relate.
Regardless of what people think, there’s a certain relief in putting the truth out there, in realizing your own mistakes, in accepting and owning up to them, and most importantly, in moving on and letting them go.
The last letter…
Thanksgiving, 2009
I stumble from room to room. I bleed on cotton, cry on silk, cuddle with bamboo. I arch my back, expecting your arms to take my middle, for a familiar nose to bury into the pebbly discs of my spine. I wait in vain, dragging my suitcase down stairs and across pavement, packing the coffee maker and my furry boots into my mother’s car. I move slowly, uneager to drive across town, away from all that’s happened, away from you.
This morning, the coffee. Your sleepy eyes. The mishap. The oatmeal. The couch. The television. The long hug. The door. The footsteps in the hallway. Our final goodbye. I collect these things like treasures and hide them in my pockets. I tuck them in sad, winding sentences in a well-worn journal that you will never read. I take them out when I walk the streets in Chicago. I compose a sonata of you in my mind.
Tonight, I am lonely, in this bed, when hours ago, my body was ravaged, your mouth was between my thighs, and I was gripping your dark hair, pulling, writhing, emitting breath and whispers. Later, I outlined the curve of your face in the darkness and whispered those three words that mean more to me than anything.
How did we get here? And why are we stuck? I try and make resolutions: from now on, I will focus on work. From now on, I will exercise harder. I will learn jiu-jitsu. From now on, I will write for five hours everyday. I will go out every night and do something new. I will not care. From now on, I will not remember. I will keep moving so I am not reminded of your absence. I will not feel like an amputee, like I have been hacked at the shoulders, at the knees, at the throat. I will not notice as we grow further and further apart. Four hundred miles, a marriage, a divorce, selfishness, timing… so many excuses you made.
In my new life, I commit to moving on, but I also commit to the fact that I am simply passing time. So, you see, you still win, because I am not really living – not really, not without you. I don’t know how.
This is the eternal mystery. Until our story has a conclusion, I am still playing the game. I am still on the Ferris wheel, wondering every time it makes its big, archaic loop, if you will be standing at the bottom, with a bouquet of flowers and that look in your eyes that says it all. Or will you slowly fade away, becoming a shadow, a story, an infatuation I keep in the darkest corners of my mind? Will I still be pining five, ten, twenty years from now, for the man, the love, the life I wanted but could never have? Are we doomed? Have we ruined it? Do you know I will love you until the day I die?
So many emotions, and tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will eat turkey in Nashville with my family and laugh and celebrate my grandmother’s last Thanksgiving with her family. Strange when you know you’re dying. Strange, when we pretend like we’re not. When we only give sympathy to the elderly, like it can’t happen to us, like it isn’t happening every second we continue to breathe air and make decisions and grow closer to the end.
Shouldn’t we live with this knowledge of our own mortality? Shouldn’t we live like this is the only holiday? What would we do differently? Would we love more, laugh more, travel more, or would we still exist in the day-to-day? Would you still let me move away from you? Would you still be riddled with indecision?
Sometimes I worry you have lost too much of your carefree attitude. That now, you think being responsible and growing up equates to getting things “organized.” That “figuring things out” or having time to think makes you a responsible man. What makes you responsible is honesty. What makes you a man is facing the things that you’ve done.
I’ve looked in my mirror, and I know what I see. It is cracked and tarnished and dull in some spots. It tells a million stories. But, the mirror is my own, and I accept my reflection. I accept the things I’ve done, and I am honest with who I am and what I want. I take risks, I go out on limbs. I tell hard truths and accept even harder answers. I give, even if I receive nothing in return.
I love you. I want you to feel that and know it. Do what you want with it. Paint it in a picture. Mark that sentiment on a piece of wood. Fold it up in a piece of paper and stuff it in a book somewhere. Tell it in a story to a group of friends. Let it wake you up in the dead of night, ten years from now when you happen to wonder, “what if.” Just know that things could have been different, if you had been different. But, for now, just remember a thousand hours over the course of this past year.
Remember my words. Remember my promises. Remember my toes. Remember my hands. Remember my mouth. Remember my laughter. Remember cookies and breakfasts and guitars and pancakes. Remember everything. Remember nothing.
Remember me.
Tags: affair, affair love, affairs, an affair's wake, attraction, cheaters, cheating, cheating expert, divorce, divorceproof, emotional affair, emotions, esquire, expert, fidelity, infidelity, laughter, lessons learned, lover, marriage, married love, men, open marriages, open relationships, other man, other woman, scandal, sex, sex life, sexual attraction, surviving infidelity, unhappy marriage, what if, woman, women
How do you live with just one person as long as you both shall live? This, it seems, has turned into the unanswerable question. Sure, there are couples who make it, who live to tell their stories and give advice that is either antiquated (due to our instant gratification, technologically advanced world) or full of partial truths and forgotten sadness. It is easy to get wrapped up when a relationship is new. The beginnings of relationships are often the most intense and romantic, full of excitement and promise.
As we build more into our lives, with children, jobs, pets, mortgages and endless responsibilities, the “doting” becomes secondary as the massive to-do list takes hold. Conversations often turn to the logistics of a life together. How are we going to pay rent? What are you doing with the kids? Have you fed the dog? Why do I always have to fold the laundry? Our ways of communicating are dulled, and in some cases, quite limited. We become exhausted, and inevitably, bored.
At work, you have a chance to break free from this “at home” persona, perhaps seeking attention or getting a fresh perspective on things. This is why almost 90 percent of affairs occur at work. There, you are stripped of baggage. You are an independent again. You aren’t reminded of what you’re not doing, what needs to be done or what will have to be done in terms of your family – you are simply doing the job you were given. And getting paid for it. (Why can’t we get paid for getting married??)
So, how do you keep marriage from getting stagnant?
1. Constant reassessment: Relationships take constant reassessment. What you both needed or wanted in the beginning will be drastically different next year, two years or even ten years from now. You can’t blame each other for wanting different things. You have to accept and try and give (and take) what each person needs. When you combine two lives, you have double the happiness, double the responsibility, and double the stress. You are agreeing to be a team – not a natural thing to do – for the long haul. Until you are old and gray and wrinkled. Until your heart stops beating. You are staring at one face, kissing one pair of lips and making memories with one person. Make sure it is the right person – a person you aren’t going to tire of in a year or two.
2. Tending to each other’s needs: Do you need more of an emotional connection? A physical one? Do you wish your partner wasn’t so moody? Do you need to laugh more? Play more? Do you need help? Do you need to give more help? Have an honest conversation about what each of you needs. This is often unsaid between two partners. Instead, heavy sighs are emitted every time a partner does something wrong, and they are magically supposed to know that that means. This sigh for laundry. That sigh for dishes. This sigh for not picking your shit up off the floor. Do yourself a favor and talk about what’s bothering you. It saves you from sighing and eye rolling and can actually get a problem resolved quickly.
3. Learning to like each other: Sounds obvious, but it’s not. I know tons of couples who “love” each other but can’t stand each other. They bitch and moan and talk badly about their partner and then rave about their best friends. Your partner – if not your best friend – should be pretty damn close. How do you expect to spend eternity with someone you can’t stand? Figure out what it is that annoys you. Are they serious issues or minor ones? Differentiate the serious issues (he calls you names, she disrespects you) from minor ones (he left the toilet seat up, she didn’t do the dishes) and figure out what you can resolve. What did you like about your partner in the beginning? Try and remember those traits and let your annoyances go, if even for a day, and see what a difference that makes.
4. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader: This assumption that the other person should just intrinsically know what’s bothering you causes a ton of marital strife. After all, you’re with this person all the time, so how could they not know? Not only is assuming your partner knows what’s wrong unfair, it’s a waste of time. We were given mouths for a reason: to communicate. If you are upset because your partner didn’t hug you when they walked through the door, don’t pout and have your partner wondering what on earth he or she did to upset you. This is a form of playing games, which, besides board games, shouldn’t really exist in a marriage. Give the person the benefit of the doubt and don’t forget to communicate your concerns. Just because your partner isn’t doing what you would like them to be doing, does not mean they are doing something wrong.
5. Incorporate partner into fantasies: Sometimes, late at night, it’s natural to think about someone else. This could be a fantasy person, someone from your past, or someone you just glimpsed on the street. You just want some spark or newness in your relationship. The next time this happens, replace this fantasy person with your partner. Better yet, roll over and attack your partner. Kiss every inch of their back, their neck, run your fingers through their hair… So often we rush through the day-to-day, we forget to connect on an intimate level. If you have a fantasy about dropping everything in the middle of the day and having sex in the back of your car, go get your partner and do that. Have fun. Be spontaneous. Marriage, though full of responsibilities, does not have to be dull.
6. Be rebellious: Do something rebellious. Drive a race car. Hop on a motorcycle. Push an old lady over and run (kidding). Go scuba diving. Go skinny dipping. Just do something out of the ordinary, together with your partner. Mix it up.
7. Stop the blame game: Instead of resolving issues, we often play the blame game. “He never listens.” “She always nags me.” “I come from a broken home, therefore I will never trust anyone.” “She doesn’t understand me.” “He has no respect for me.” The question you must ask is WHY? Why does he never listen? Why does she always nag? (And no, women aren’t intrinsically born to nag.) Instead of letting these words go in one ear and out the other, think about why they are being said in the first place. Do you listen, really listen, or do you succumb to selective listening, nodding and saying, “Yeah, totally,” when it seems appropriate? Do you nag? If so, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Men need to feel respected and desired (as do women). The next time you are going to nag your husband about what he’s wearing, compliment him on his hair. Or his eyes. A simple compliment will work wonders. Get to the bottom of why you are blaming your spouse and see what issues are serious. Do you need more intimacy, more of an emotional connection? Find ways to foster that together. Both partners are needed to solve any marital problem. And it’s both of your jobs to help come up with an answer.
8. Remember: Remember what you love about your partner. Remember the butterflies in your stomach, those first kisses, sleepless nights, endless smiles. Remember and recreate a bit of that romance by leaving notes for each other, writing letters, bringing home flowers, making a picnic. Whatever you need to do to remind each other why you are together. Don’t be together because you have to be. Constantly find ways to want to be together… relationships are supposed to be happy. Otherwise, there’s no point.
9. Take it a day at a time: Sometimes, the panic sets in. “I’m going to be with one person forever? Why?????????” Not to worry. Like anything, just take it a day at a time. Think about your family. As nuts as they are, you can’t divorce them, you can’t disown them. You are bound by blood, and you never think twice about that (or maybe you do, but you still can’t change it). So, why do we think about divorce, like it’s the obvious answer when things don’t quite go your way? Make an effort in your relationship. Revisit it each and every day. See what “tune ups” need to be made, how you can make each other laugh, how you can just “be” and lessen the load of tasks and to-do lists. Help each other. And while it’s natural to get ahead of yourself, in terms of thinking about the future, seriously just take it a day at a time.
10. Have sex: Never stop having sex. Women complain that men just want to have sex without foreplay. Men complain that women don’t want to have sex enough. So much of intimacy is fostered through closeness, through touch. Give your partner a passionate kiss, press your body against theirs and take your time. Or, attack each other and make it quick. Sex is one of the best stress relievers on the planet. It is a way to connect, to shut your mouths and just feel for a while. Who doesn’t want an orgasm on a daily basis? There shouldn’t be an amount of exhaustion that gets in the way of sex. Find times when you are in the mood and make that work for you. Find ways to stay physical. It is as important as communication.
Tags: affair, affair love, affairs, cheaters, cheating, cheating expert, divorceproof, emotional affair, emotions, expert, fidelity, husband, husband and wife, infidelity, laughter, lessons learned, lover, marriage, married love, men, open marriages, open relationships, other man, other woman, relationships, sexual attraction, surviving infidelity, unhappy marriage, woman
In one of my favorite post-affair blogs, the author was contemplating why it seems so much harder to get over affair love versus real relationships. I started thinking about the obvious things: the unknowns, the what-ifs, the fact that an affair is never reality, no matter how much it feels like reality, and how you contemplate your own insanity during that time. How you become almost lawless, without morals, unbending in your single desire to be with this person. No matter what. She referenced an article entitled Affair Love Vs. Married Love, written by a woman whose husband had an affair. She summed it up nicely:
“Secrecy is part of the excitement of an affair. It adds spice to life when the marriage seems bland. The affair offers a time beyond responsibility and it is addictive, carrying with it a powerful emotional rush. As with other addictions, the rush is often followed by a sense of loss–real life doesn’t seem as good. So the person is drawn to return to the source of the rush. Again with other addictions, there is always a feeling that it would be awful to have to give it up.
Married love, unlike an affair, has an ebb and flow. Some days you feel the way you did when you first fell in love. Other days you feel dispirited, tired, distracted, disappointed, and angry. Even if married love begins with infatuation, it finds its continuity in married love, with peaks of real passion, valleys of disappointment, and plateaus of OK days. Successful married couples know this. They have learned how to communicate and deal with the ups and the downs.
For those of you who are battling the effects of a spouse’s affair, there has to be some way to make your spouse understand that what he/she is experiencing with their affair partner is not real. If only they could step outside of their bodies and see themselves from another point of view, they could then realize that though they may feel great now and think they are in love with their soul mate, that once the “affair love” wears off, chances are they are going to regret what they have done. Certainly, surviving an affair would be much easier if they could come to this realization on their own before so many people get hurt.”
What the author says is completely accurate. During an affair, it truly seems like you are swimming underwater, lost in a torrential sea of emotions, passions and desires. The moment that is ripped away, you come to your senses, but you, your affair partner and everyone else is forever changed. You can’t go back, you can’t undo what was done, and no matter how much you ponder, this mistake will be there.
Realize that real relationships are what they are. They are not about instant gratification – nothing good rarely is. They are a continuous commitment to happiness, compromise, and miring through the to-dos of daily life. How you construct that life is the important lesson. Do you enjoy it? Do you complain? Do you become exhausted? Do you take out your unhappiness on your partner and your life in general?
Learn to be happy with what you have over the long term. This is the challenge; this is the beauty. As Jean-Paul Sartre said, “Everything has been figured out, except how to live.” I think we could change that to “Everything has been figured out, except how to love.”
Let’s start learning.
Tags: affair, affair love, affairs, attraction, cheaters, cheating expert, divorce, divorceproof, emotional affair, expert, fidelity, husband, husband and wife, infidelity, laughter, lessons learned, lover, marriage, married love, men, open marriages, open relationships, other man, other woman, relationships, scandal, sex, sex life, sexual attraction, surviving infidelity, unhappy marriage, what if, wife, woman, women
Working on a chapter today for my upcoming book, THE CHEAT SHEET: THE ULTIMATE SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR UNCOVERING AFFAIRS (Adams Media, June 2011), I was editing the second half of a friend’s personal cheating story.
As I read through his skilled paragraphs, his tome quickly reminded me why people really cheat: to be reminded that we’re special. He wrote: “Time spent with Kevin meant time away from Marshall. But I was selfish. I needed the attention. I loved the support. Kevin was quick to remind me of how I was supposed to conquer the world while Marshall reminded me I didn’t wash my cereal bowl.”
What a summation of relationships, of what we become over time, of how we become so obsessed with the small things instead of the important ones. As humans, we need to be reminded that we’re special. We thrive on it. And, of course, when we first fall in love, we are constantly reassured and told how amazing we are and effortlessly reflect that same enthusiasm back to our partners.
But with time “life” gets in the way of our picturesque fantasies, and we slowly begin to forget. We forget as dishes pile up, as bills increase, as stressors take hold, as someone leaves the toilet seat up, as tiny fissures in our trust begin to show – what we really have. We focus instead on how nothing ever gets done right, how sleep wanes, how sex dies. And then, someone comes into your life and lights that spark for you again. They see you the way you want to be seen. They see the you of your past, the you who used to be attractive and free and untethered. So, you jump at the chance to escape into this little world, if only for a short time, if only to be reminded that you can do anything, that you are special, that your inability to stack the dishwasher or lower the toilet seat does not define you. You once again come face to face with all that you are, not all that you’re not.
Sure, a million little factors go into cheating, but this isn’t just about cheating. This is about developing an emotional bond with someone besides your spouse, and how often that actually happens. It really boils down to wanting to feel good about yourself, and when there is a bond between two people – whether intellectual, emotional or physical – your mind automatically makes a small commitment to them and forces a wedge between your current relationship. We always seem to want what we don’t have, or wonder what it could be like with someone new.
When you are attracted to someone else, it is new. It is like Christmas, when the packages are glittering beneath the tree, and your fingers are dying to pry away the paper and glimpse what’s inside. No matter what is inside, those packages are perfect in their unopened glory, and they are all for you. It’s the same principle with meeting someone new. You get obsessed with the ideas, the fantasies, of all that might be. But, once you start to unwrap the package and realize that toy will be just like every other toy, only then does it begin to lose its luster. Only then do regrets and reality come into play.
Remember this as you flirt with disaster, or your spouse starts to find someone else more interesting than you. You must find ways to constantly interest each other, to remind each other that you can conquer the world and the dishes don’t fucking matter. You must find newness each and every day.
So, embrace what you have, fully. Enjoy your companion. Don’t ever let someone else remind you how special you are. Remind yourself. Remind your partner. Commit.
Tags: affair, affairs, attraction, cheaters, cheating, cheating expert, divorce, divorceproof, emotional affair, emotions, infidelity, laughter, lessons learned, lover, marriage, men, open marriages, open relationships, other man, other woman, relationships, scandal, sex, sex life, sexual attraction, woman, women
It’s no surprise that being friends can often make for a better relationship. Sometimes, we jump into relationships without really relating to the other person like a friend. And while we tolerate certain behaviors from our friends, we don’t always extend this to our spouses. Why? Perhaps because we see them on a daily basis – we are sharing a life with another person and can often put unrealistic demands on him/her. But, we are all human, we all make mistakes, and we should not always be so rigid in our expectations, right? Perhaps if we take the “friend” approach, especially when it comes to tough conversations about money, attraction, jobs, etc., we can nix a lot of the resentments and issues that often build up and cause us to look for understanding and compassion in other people. Make your partner your best friend. Period.
To illustrate this point, The Argus Leader shares an article on how Friendship Comes First.
It’s no surprise that I have been scrutinized for my affair. You put something “bad” out into the public arena, something the majority of people disapprove of, and you’re bound to get some flack. In some people’s eyes, I am defined by that single action, that judgment tainted on the lips of strangers, of readers, of my ex-husband, of my past lover’s wife, of my ex-husband’s friends. But, no one knows what really goes on behind closed doors. All the little hurts and resentments of your own relationship that get you in these dangerous situations to begin with.
It dawned on me the other day, as I was dealing with a hostile male, that I am tired of righteous men. That I literally have no tolerance for them, and that after being in a seven year relationship where I was told what I was doing wrong on a daily basis, that I sometimes wonder if I did what I did just a little bit to hurt him as much as he’d hurt me. Petty, perhaps, but sometimes, I wonder if part of me just wanted to do something independent of him… to set myself free of our failing marriage and his hold over me.
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that it takes two to cheat. Unless you honestly have an addiction to cheating, the fault usually lies with both parties (in some way). Regardless of whose fault it is, and how it all ends, there is usually that “what if” factor for one or both people. What if you do cheat? What if you do fall in love? What if it doesn’t work out? What if it does? What if he leaves his wife? What if she leaves her husband? What if someone finds out? What if you are the victim?
I fell for my friend in the kind of way I never thought possible. I felt more desperate, more unglued, more fragile than I ever have before. I would walk into a room and cry for no reason. When visiting Nashville (after I’d moved away in an attempt to break off the affair), I would sit in my parents’ guest room and just cry, loudly. I would walk into the kitchen, hair disheveled and feel my lips begin to shake.
“I hate seeing you like this,” my mother would whisper. “You’re not happy.”
“But I love him so much,” I would whine, feeling that grapefruit size hole in my chest.
She would shake her head and sigh. “Oh, sweetheart. That’s not love.”
I would steel myself to her words and go back to wallowing. He was just 20 miles away, doing God knows what, and here I was, suffering, pining, withering. Why didn’t he care? My love had made me incandescent; blindingly hot, heated, angry, forlorn. I stayed up nights, waiting for him to come to me, and the times we did spend together (always on his terms), grocery shopping, hanging out, making dinner – I memorized every detail, like a starved child, because I knew how short-lived it would be. I drank him in, I sketched him in my mind. I took photographs and videos. I journaled. I wrote letters. I inhaled, deeply. I memorized sounds and sentences. By the end of our affair, I was just trying to keep it together. Every meeting was peppered by my hot tears, my pleas, that feeling that I literally could not exist without him.
I accepted my role as “the other woman,” though I became so much more. I became the best friend, the confidante, the wife, the person he wrapped his arms and legs around at night, the sounding board when he would breathe sentiments into my ear: “I am so in love you.” “You amaze me.” “I need you.” One time, he looked at me, those brown eyes squinting and said: “Why do I feel like I’m the one who’s going to end up all alone in this?” And later, “Letting you go will be the biggest mistake I ever make.”
If people could suspend judgment for two seconds, can you imagine what it’s like to actually love someone so much you would do anything – really do anything – only to realize that no matter how deeply you love this person, they are not going to fully take the risk to be with you? Perhaps that is karma, but still, it’s brutal. And isn’t it funny that while there are serial cheaters out there, and people who don’t have regard for other people, that some of us have acted on what we thought was actual love (however tainted). We acted on feelings. Feelings that pushed us to do crazy, immature, unstoppable things that taught invaluable, unchangeable, life-altering lessons. Feelings that hurt and destroyed, that defined and altered. Could that be love?
After the affair, I remember the questions. They accosted me at all hours of the night, all seconds of the day. I would work, I would write, I would travel, and he was there, still whispering in my ear, still taunting me with that laugh, still interrupting my sleep, still present, despite the fact that I moved 400 miles away. What if he had left her in time? What if I had stayed? What if I had told his wife? What if I had gotten pregnant? What if I had waited just a little bit longer? What if I’d showed up at his door? What if I’d asked him to choose me? Can we play these games? Dare we? Would it have made a difference anyway?
“Why would you want to be with someone who lied to his wife?” I have been asked. “He’s not a good guy. He’s a cheater.” I nod, I smile and say, “Oh, I know. I know that,” but then I think about the guy who told me secrets in the dark, who was vulnerable and quiet, who took stupid risks, who created, who kissed me in public, who raked his large thumbs across my cheeks, staining his flesh with my tears and promised that he had never felt this way about anyone, that he never would.
Was that love? I am often reminded of my favorite poem when I think of that time… Robert Hayden’s “Those Winter Sundays.” Though written about the author’s father, it speaks of the sacrifices parents often make for their children and how unnoticed they go. And I am reminded of that last line now, as I think back to that time, at all the sacrifices that went unnoticed, at all the pain and decisions I made for love.
I think hard, as I sit in a different home, with a different man, so happy I don’t even have the right words for the emotions I feel. The poem drifts through my head, reminding me of all that was, of all that isn’t, of all that will never be. I look at the love of my life next to me. He is a different man, a good man, a man who shakes me to my core, a man who listens and loves and laughs. A man who is in my marrow.
He looks at me and smiles. “Can I get you anything?” he asks as he rises to pour another cup of coffee. I shake my head and return to my keyboard, arranging words on a page.
I think of that four letter word, of all that it conjures, both good and bad. Of all that it means. The what ifs go out the window, because I am here, now, and it has all turned out okay.
I find the poem in an old volume of poetry, tucked beside my typewriter:
Sundays too my father got up early/And put his clothes on in the blueblack cold/then with cracked hands that ached/from labor in the weekday weather made/banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him./I’d wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking./When the rooms were warm, he’d call,/and slowly I would rise and dress/fearing the chronic angers of that house/Speaking indifferently to him/who had driven out the cold/and polished my good shoes as well./What did I know, what did I know/ of love’s austere and lonely offices?
The last line reverberates off these white walls and rings true. I remember dissecting this poem for hours at a writing workshop in Paris and thinking of how important it was to the author. And now, how important it is to me.
“What did I know, what did I know of love’s austere and lonely offices?”
I didn’t know much, but I am learning… I am learning what love is.
Tags: affair, affairs, cheaters, cheating, cheating expert, divorce, divorceproof, expert, fidelity, infidelity, laughter, lessons learned, lover, marriage, men, open marriages, open relationships, other man, other woman, relationships, scandal, what if, woman, women
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